This blog is about the very recent discovery and my sojourn with stage 4 lung cancer.
This blog depicts my intimate journey with this disease. It is part auto- biographical and part self healing journal to be shared. It is personal and honest.
My hope is that it will inspire and inform.
We country girls have a tendency to be a bit tomboy-ish.
I grew up with a menagerie of many different breeds of sporting dogs - labradors, jack russell terriers (terrors!), brittany & springer spaniels, weimerwiner's, vizsla, doberman pincers and a rottweiler that guarded the house and the property, ornamental birds - peacocks, guinea hens, golden and silver pheasants, fancy chickens, turkeys - horses, cows, goats and sheep!
My sister and I were constantly in the woods with our dogs or tearing up the land on our dirt motorbikes!
We would damn up creeks, catch tadpoles and minnows, sprint at top speed from snakes and challenge each other to death defying feats of pure stupidity! I was a different kind of country girl though because I grew up on game preserves in both the UK & the States. Thousands of acres devoted to game management, nature, the environment, the land, the future (perhaps from a Darwinian perspective). I am back in this place of natural perfection, this time for the purpose of healing my cancer. My Dad gave me a paddle boat to paddle around the bay in. I am having SO much fun! It is also fierce exercise. It doesn't feel like much when you are paddling around but when you get out you realize your whole body has been thoroughly worked out.
I try to go out every day during high tide
and I paddle way out into the Chesapeake Bay where its just me and the ospreys, herons, geese and ducks. Sometimes I have to navigate around a fishing boat (crabbing) that goes back and forth checking their lines
and the random lone paddle boarder!
This will be me next summer! What a super work out and a great way to get an all over tan!
Every time I go out in the paddle boat I have to laugh to and at myself! I have always been very athletic and love being outdoors. I used to spend many summers living in Bethany Beach, DE. We would spend hours water skiing, the crazier and more dangerous the better! Then we would park the boat and head down to Ocean City, MD to Jolly Rogers water park and spend the entire evening on the water slides!! When I wasn't water logged I was in Rehobeth Beach at the gay disco's dancing until the wee hours of the morning!
Now I am the captain of a paddle boat! I paddle out quite far, typically I am out on the bay for at least two hours. You have to constantly paddle and steer the rudder the whole time so it is a great work out. This boat seats four and since I am by myself I switch sides every other day (left or right) so I work out both arms evenly. I put on my bikini, bring a cup of cafe latte and bottle of water (or beer if it is cocktail hour) and off I go!
Most days the water is like glass, it is so beautiful and different every day.
When I first arrived on the Chesapeake my Dad bought me a lawn chair with a shoulder strap so I could go out and sit on the dock or go over to the little private beach. I recall how much work that was both physically and emotionally, I all but needed a safety belt just to sit in the chair! Then I began to walk the driveway about 2 miles round trip. Now I am paddle boating and I really feel my muscles and whole body getting stronger!
This week I began to practice my energy work again. I take my i phone with me and I listen to specific chants and healing mantras prescribed by my friend, yogi, singer songwriter Monica Ott (who has a voice of an angel) to work with specific exercises to access and activate the more the refined energies of my body and mind.
Since my illness, so much has changed for me and about me. I definitely have a very different understanding and relationship with human energy (Chi). It has to be the most refined, potent and refined energy available. I am going to experiment with aligning this energy with the elemental energies available to me. I have had some extraordinary experiences in the past so I am looking forward to new possibilities!
It is said that we use such a small percentage of our brain capacity, I believe this is true with chi. I suppose this is the next piece for me to figure out. This is my "punk-ass" land ride!
There's only so much you can learn in one place
The more that I wait, the more time that I waste
I haven't got much time to waste
It's time to make my way
I'm not afraid of what I'll face
But I'm afraid to stay
I'm going down my road and I can make it alone
I'll work and I'll fight till I find a place of my own After my diagnosis and the initial shock of the news, I wasn't afraid of my cancer and I knew that dying was not a part of this experience. This was about learning on a deep soul level, transformation and that an aspect of my cancer was derived from fear, being safe, placating others; as my wonderful friend Scott (aka personal art critic) recently told me "you need to pump up the volume".
Historically I have been described as being avante garde, a rebel, radical, unique, someone who lives outside the box, a true free spirit; if so why do I feel so contracted, so unsettled, so small, so bound by the fear of the unknown? I am my own worst enemy.
Why did I keep aligning with emotionally abusive men, emotionally paralyzed, emotionally unavailable - "no one's home", the metaphorical Lemarchand's box. I have (I hope!) finally come to learn that their "schism" is not mine to bare. My vision of myself needs to be personally accessed because clearly I didn't think that highly of myself.
Recently my darling friend Zaira, who is a wonderful yoga teacher in her mother country of Spain posted this on facebook.
That was me, I always saw the good in everyone. As an energy worker who works at the level I do, I see and often communicate with a person's soul.
We are multi-dimensional beings each with a different story and a unique path. If an individual chooses to see themselves in a particular fashion and chooses to be identified by ego and immersed in their denial there is nothing we can do or say to change that.
We need to listen to our own soul and sometimes we have to let people go, sometimes family members, spouses, long time friends, people we feel committed or obligated to in order to grow to experience our lives fully.
Recently I loved someone who didn't (couldn't/wouldn't) love me back. I tapped into his soul, I saw this dynamic character he will most likely never see. His deep seated pain around women is buried deep in the caverns of his denial. He filled this void with copious amounts of alcohol, designer clothing, five star restaurants and bars, sleazy strip clubs (oops I mean "gentlemen's" club) and strippers. He crafted a carefully scripted public persona and surrounds himself with unimpressive people he thinks he needs to impress, and is able to go to bed at night and wake up in the morning only to do it all over again.
You may be thinking why did you tolerate this, and whats wrong with going to five star restaurants and bars? I was seldom invited to go out to the five star establishments and I certainly didn't know about the strippers. I didn't know he was living a dual life, maybe even a dual personality?
Not everyone is consciously seeking more refined levels of self awareness and personal growth. At what point does one get off the crazy train before it derails?
And then what...? It's all very well and good to spew this "enlightened rhetoric" (like everyone else these days) but you have to genuinely walk the walk as well as talk the talk.
For me this is a scary place. I'm afraid to be me because I don't know who me is, I just know there is no going back.
who is so loving and so caring, who gives me the strength and passion to continue my life and my work for many more years to come.
Dating as far back as 1580 B.C., when images of lilies were
discovered in a villa in Crete, these majestic flowers have long held a
role in ancient mythology. Derived from the Greek word “leiron,”
(generally assumed to refer to the white Madonna lily), the lily was so
revered by the Greeks that they believed it sprouted from the milk of
Hera, the queen of the gods. The conception of Heracles originated from an
affair his father, Zeus, had with a mortal woman. Zeus then caused a
deep sleep to fall on his goddess wife, Hera, in hopes that her milk
would empower Heracles with divine abilities. When Hera awoke to the
suckling child,she angrily tossed him away, emitting her milk across the
universe. This action formed the Milky Way and lilies upon the earth. The Chinese consider the lily as a symbol of summer and abundance, and some believe it represents "forever in love." Others use the lily as a lucky charm and maintain that it averts the effects of the evil eye upon them. When an pregnant mother wears a lily, she expresses her wishes to bear a son. While white lilies symbolize chastity and virtue – and were
the symbol of the Virgin Mary’s purity and her role of Queen of the
Angels – as other varieties became popular, they brought with them
additional meanings and symbolism as well. Peruvian lilies, or
alstroemeria, represent friendship and devotion, white stargazer lilies
express sympathy and pink stargazer lilies represent wealth and
prosperity.
Greek Meaning
In Greek mythology, the conception of Heracles originated from an
affair his father, Zeus, had with a mortal woman. Zeus then caused a
deep sleep to fall on his goddess wife, Hera, in hopes that her milk
would empower Heracles with divine abilities. When Hera awoke to the
suckling child,she angrily tossed him away, emitting her milk across the
universe. This action formed the Milky Way and lilies upon the earth.
Chinese Meaning
The Chinese consider the lily as a symbol of summer and abundance,
and some believe it represents "forever in love." Others use the lily as
a lucky charm and maintain that it averts the effects of the evil eye
upon them. When an pregnant mother wears a lily, she expresses her
wishes to bear a son.
Medicinal Meaning
Over the years, scientists have discovered healing powers in various
flowers. Some found that lilies contained antitoxic powers capable of
curing depression. Europeans found that lilies healed various types of
diseases and ailments.
Over the years, scientists have discovered healing powers in various flowers. Some found that lilies contained antitoxic powers capable of curing depression. Europeans found that lilies healed various types of diseases and ailments. When used at weddings, the lily represents the devotion of the couple toward one another. However, at a funeral, it announces the departure of a young soul being restored to its innocence after an untimely death.
Thank you Lily Mulligan for being my life's inspiration, my soul mate, my teacher, my reason for pushing through this illness, my most glorious creation.
Greek Meaning
In Greek mythology, the conception of Heracles originated from an
affair his father, Zeus, had with a mortal woman. Zeus then caused a
deep sleep to fall on his goddess wife, Hera, in hopes that her milk
would empower Heracles with divine abilities. When Hera awoke to the
suckling child,she angrily tossed him away, emitting her milk across the
universe. This action formed the Milky Way and lilies upon the earth.
Chinese Meaning
The Chinese consider the lily as a symbol of summer and abundance,
and some believe it represents "forever in love." Others use the lily as
a lucky charm and maintain that it averts the effects of the evil eye
upon them. When an pregnant mother wears a lily, she expresses her
wishes to bear a son.
Medicinal Meaning
Over the years, scientists have discovered healing powers in various
flowers. Some found that lilies contained antitoxic powers capable of
curing depression. Europeans found that lilies healed various types of
diseases and ailments.
In
mythology and folklore, the metaphor of the lily spoke of innocence and
purity and became associated with spiritual and philosophical meanings.
With time, the lily took on different meanings according to the culture
or its usage
In Greek mythology, the conception of Heracles originated from an
affair his father, Zeus, had with a mortal woman. Zeus then caused a
deep sleep to fall on his goddess wife, Hera, in hopes that her milk
would empower Heracles with divine abilities. When Hera awoke to the
suckling child,she angrily tossed him away, emitting her milk across the
universe. This action formed the Milky Way and lilies upon the earth.
Chinese Meaning
The Chinese consider the lily as a symbol of summer and abundance,
and some believe it represents "forever in love." Others use the lily as
a lucky charm and maintain that it averts the effects of the evil eye
upon them. When an pregnant mother wears a lily, she expresses her
wishes to bear a son.
Medicinal Meaning
Over the years, scientists have discovered healing powers in various
flowers. Some found that lilies contained antitoxic powers capable of
curing depression. Europeans found that lilies healed various types of
diseases and ailments.
In
mythology and folklore, the metaphor of the lily spoke of innocence and
purity and became associated with spiritual and philosophical meanings.
With time, the lily took on different meanings according to the culture
or its usage
In Greek mythology, the conception of Heracles originated from an
affair his father, Zeus, had with a mortal woman. Zeus then caused a
deep sleep to fall on his goddess wife, Hera, in hopes that her milk
would empower Heracles with divine abilities. When Hera awoke to the
suckling child,she angrily tossed him away, emitting her milk across the
universe. This action formed the Milky Way and lilies upon the earth.
Chinese Meaning
The Chinese consider the lily as a symbol of summer and abundance,
and some believe it represents "forever in love." Others use the lily as
a lucky charm and maintain that it averts the effects of the evil eye
upon them. When an pregnant mother wears a lily, she expresses her
wishes to bear a son.
Medicinal Meaning
Over the years, scientists have discovered healing powers in various
flowers. Some found that lilies contained antitoxic powers capable of
curing depression. Europeans found that lilies healed various types of
diseases and ailments.
I did not grow up with any religion, although my parents refer to themselves as Christians. As a young girl I asked my Dad why we didn't go to church on Sunday like everyone else. His response was "if you want to find God go out into the woods". The best and most memorable advice to date.
This is very familiar territory for me, the rabbit hole; free-falling, twisting, turning then THUMP, I land on my arse AGAIN. I'm told that I have chosen the path of the soul's journey. I am no "Day Tripper" that is certain. Clearly I have opted for "The Long And Winding Road" The long and winding road that leads to your door Will never disappear I've seen that road before it always leads me here Leads me to your door The wild and windy night that the rain washed away Has left a pool of tears crying for the day Why leave me standing here, let me know the way Many times I've been alone and many times I've cried Anyway you'll never know the many ways I've tried And still they lead me back to the long and winding road You left me standing here a long, long time ago Don't leave me waiting here, lead me to you door But still they lead me back to the long and winding road You left me standing here a long, long time ago Don't keep me waiting here, lead me to you door Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Every time I make this trip I think okay, I get it, I'm good. But clearly I'm not listening, and this time it got really loud - SONIC FUCKING BOOM!
Something(s) about my life obviously wasn't working? Aspects of my life were working, my beautiful daughter, my studies, my work as a practitioner, fantastic clients, interesting and super cool friends (!), my cool craftsman home in the woods in very cool Frenchtown, an active social life, but I wasn't living fully, my truth, my art.
Sometimes I will say to a client or friend "your not listening, how loud or big does it need to get", shame I've yet to take my own advice.
Often were so immersed in the busyness of our lives, as long as we feel content or are happy in denial we just push on. Even those of us who have chosen interesting, creative and lucrative careers and lifestyles.
But my soul abhors contentment, anything mundane, typical, comfortable - my soul has its own flow. It is clear the perceived "I" is not in the drivers seat. Who is the perceived "I"? The person we see is often not the person others see. This can go in either direction.
Myself, I had no idea that my life was so amazing. I didn't know I had so much love, support and high regard. I received the most beautiful and generous responses from so many people. It is so important to know how loved you are for all aspects of your being and soul. I'm certain our soul's only know love, it is the ego that is addicted to self loathing, denial, bullying, anger, control, addictions, and fear, fear of living our lives to our fullest potential, which is no simple task.
